Welcome to Pastures
Welcome to Pastures, a three-week retreat designed to guide women through the transition to socially enforced obscurity that begins the morning of their thirty-fifth birthdays.
At Pastures, we pride ourselves on setting realistic expectations. Our staff members are trained to role-play the ways in which women over thirty-five are treated by the outside world, which means they’ll regularly call you “ma’am” and offer you their seats because you ate a single piece of bread the night before and are so bloated they assume you’re pregnant.
On my right, we have our mailroom, where family and friends can send you words of encouragement and Spanx. On the left, you’ll notice our cafeteria, featuring kales from around the world, lean proteins, and fifty flavors of stevia. The menu was developed by our in-house nutritionist, who creates recipes based on our clients’ rapidly slowing metabolisms.
Behind you is our auditorium, where we host workshops on topics that are important to our community. For instance, right now you can hear the end of a panel on geriatric pregnancy, the actual medical term for a when a woman over thirty-five is expecting a child.
We also host tutorials on skin care, a practice that takes up roughly eighty per cent of our residents’ time. Since society both shuns cosmetic surgery and expects a woman’s face to remain unlined for all eternity, it’s imperative that she moisturize, tone, exfoliate, excavate, electrocute, and apply a radioactive mask at least six times a day, and for ten hours each night.
Did I mention our monthly “Help, I Only Just Opened a 401(k)” seminar?
I see that some of you have spotted Jessica Alba across the courtyard. She joined us last Tuesday after she stopped registering on film. Celebrity sightings are a regular occurrence at Pastures, which is the No. 1 transitional retreat for thirty-five-plus actresses who aren’t Meryl Streep. Next week, Anne Hathaway will be arriving on the heels of “Ocean’s 8,” her final film.
Down the hall, you’ll find our professional coach, who helps women land new jobs after they age out of their tech, entertainment, marketing, fashion, fitness, or beauty gigs. She’s placed many of the country’s most promising “30 Under 30” women in new, exciting careers, like radio.
We also have regular evening programming. Some of our more popular activities include drinking two glasses of wine that don’t get you buzzed but leave you with a weeklong hangover, and masturbating.
After completing our program, many women find reëntry into society surprisingly liberating. In their exit interviews, they routinely say things like “I’m actually looking forward to being free of the male gaze” and “Wow, look at all these new moles.”
Now, if you’ll please follow me, I’ll show you to our salon, where you can get a sudden awareness of your own mortality and a chin-length bob.