The Last Supper: A Group Birthday Dinner
On the afternoon of Jessica’s day of nativity, the disciples texted her and asked, “Where do you want us to make preparations for the meal in honor of your thirtieth year?”
She replied, “Go into the city and find Matt, since his phone is always on ‘Do Not Disturb.’ Tell him that Jessica says, ‘My appointed time is near. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it, but let’s have a small dinner at your place.’ ”
So the disciples did as Jessica had directed and prepared the dinner, although they knew she would, in fact, make a big deal out of it.
When evening came, Jessica was reclining at the table with an overpriced birthday crown atop her head. Everything was exactly as she had imagined, but, when she looked around the room, she took notice of the fact that she was surrounded by couples.
While her guests enjoyed their vegan soba noodles, Jessica said, “Truly, I tell you, one of you will betray me.”
The room fell silent, except for the faint sound of Father John Misty playing from Matt’s record player. All grew nervous, because when Jessica was mad she held a grudge for, like, months, and there was nothing to be done.
Her disciples began to say to her, one after the other, “Surely you don’t mean me?” But Jessica looked straight ahead and Judy, the one who would betray her, understood that she should have just stayed in that night.
Judy and Jessica went into Matt’s bathroom, so that they could talk privately, and there Judy attempted to explain, “I thought you might feel weird about being at a dinner with only couples. I was only trying to help.”
At the sound of the doorbell, Jessica and Judy left the bathroom to find Adam, Jessica’s ex, standing in the doorway. “Happy birthday,” he said. “I brought a six-pack of Miller High Life, the champagne of beers.” Adam proceeded to inform Jessica of his new improv group for half an hour as she sat silently.
Finally, Jessica took bread, broke it, and gave it to her disciples, saying, “Take this and eat it, for I am gluten-free, but none of you seem to have remembered.” Then she stood and held aloft her glass of wine and gave thanks to Matt for generously hosting her birthday at his place, especially since he’d drunkenly promised that he would do so the week before.
She glared at Judy, and said, “I will not drink from this fruit of the vine, because I know it is five-dollar Trader Joe’s wine, and also out of protest, as I see that you would crucify me for being single at this meal for my thirtieth year.”
Now Peter already had consumed a good amount of this fruit of the vine. Feeling brave, he shook his head and said, “Not everything is about you. Ever since you got fifty-thousand followers, you’ve been acting different and calling us your disciples. It’s weird.”
Jessica stood before them then and knew that they were right, but also was starting to feel that fruit of the vine and really wanted to sit down.
With the night close to being ruined, they quickly sang a birthday hymn and took a flattering photo of Jessica blowing out her candles. She looked around at her disciples and swore unto them, “I tell you, I will not drink again from the fruit of the vine to the point where I get really mean. Except maybe at Judy’s birthday next weekend.”