Proper Uses for a One-Piece Swimsuit with the Stomach Cut Out
As a sling for a broken arm
If you wear a one-piece swimsuit with the stomach cut out, someone may make fun of you, in which case you will punch them, and you will break your arm. Fortunately, your swimsuit doubles as a sling!
As a Björn carrier for your dog
The Venn diagram of people who want to carry their dogs like babies and people who want a hole cut out of a perfectly good one-piece is a circle.
To hold a steaming-hot bowl of soup
This is the perfect summer snack, after all.
In a “Mean Girls” situation where someone cut the stomach out of your one-piece as an act of aggression, but you make it cool to spite them
This would be “Mean Girls” the horror film—having the stomach cut out of a one-piece is infinitely more terrifying than having your bra cups visible.
To protect only the bottom of a traffic cone from the rain
Little-known fact: the top of a traffic cone is thirsty.
To show off your belly-button piercing (to sharks)
Yes, you can flaunt a belly-button piercing in a bikini, but maybe you’re swimming in turbulent waters and you want something that won’t come off when a shark tries to eat you. The idea of a shark liking a belly-button ring is a stretch, but, then again, so is this swimsuit.
As a costume for a member of your improv team when the one-word suggestion is “why”
“Why” is an inevitable one-word suggestion for a group of adults who charge money to watch them publicly brainstorm. Also, why do you own this swimsuit?
As a sack to hold all your bikinis
Because anyone who buys a one-piece with the stomach cut out clearly just wants to wear a bikini—can’t you leave one-pieces for the rest of us?