I Refuse to Go Home Sick, Even If It Means Infecting the Entire Office
FROM: Greg Abbott (Marketing)
SUBJECT: My Cold
In the interest of our company, and in keeping with the spirit of our brand pillar, “Brutal Honesty, Always,” I feel compelled to tell you all that your half-joking, nervous pleas for me to go home after each of my violent sneezes or coughing fits will not be heeded. For I, Greg Abbott, of the marketing department, refuse to go home sick, even if it means infecting everyone in this entire office.
As junior assistant to the social-media manager, and as an arrogant asshole with zero self-awareness, I’m certain that everyone is counting on me to be here when I absolutely should not be. I consider what I do to be so important that my absence would bring the whole company to a standstill, if not to immediate bankruptcy. So here I will remain: crumpled tissues around my workspace; my clammy, poisonous hands touching all that we share; my mouth expelling potentially deadly microbes into the air we breathe—even if the virus I’m carrying causes the rest of you to perish.
Why am I doing this?
Since the morning I arrived here and was asked to tell an ice-breaking joke at the all-team meeting, I knew that I had a sacred duty to be the center of attention, always. Now what I lack in experience or actual skills beyond data entry I make up for with complete ignorance to professional courtesies.
Yes, I’ve been told that “this is what sick days are for,” but, as you can imagine, my sick days will be used for way cooler things, such as nursing the hangover I will have following my egregious behavior at the office Christmas party.
So, to reiterate, I, Greg Abbott, a human dirty bomb of a person and Patient Zero for what could be the plague of plagues—likely acquired while doing something stupid and irresponsible over the weekend—refuse to just sleep this off. Rather, I will stay here, even if it wipes out the lot of you. With you all gone, at least I will no longer have to face your judgment.
I look forward to spending the day answering serious company e-mails with GIFs and coughing on the bagel platter in the conference room.
P.S. I never wash my hands.