Elizabeth Holmes’s Wedding Vows
Elizabeth Holmes, the indicted founder of the bogus blood-testing company Theranos, has gotten engaged to William “Billy’’ Evans, the heir to a hotel chain, according to multiple reports.
—New York Post
My dear Billy. My sweet, silly little Billy boy. This past year has been the best of my life. My business, Theranos, once valued at nine billion dollars, was proved to be a scam and shut down forever. I got a puppy dog. A federal grand jury indicted me on nine counts of wire fraud and two counts of conspiracy to commit wire fraud. I met you. I face up to twenty years in prison. We got engaged.
And now here we are, in the abandoned Theranos lab, where so much magic happened in the past fifteen years—blood stains covering the floor, the words “Elizabeth Holmes is the devil” spray-painted on a wall. It is wonderful, and I am wonderful, and this is our wonderful wedding ceremony, Billy.
We are going to have a hundred children. This is my vow to you. It is scientifically possible—you can make a child, from a drop of blood, within two weeks. That’s a fact. The child will gestate in a new machine I created called the Babbage, named after the great Charles Babbage, who invented the first mechanical computer.
The Babbage, or the Babby, as America will come to call it, is a mini fridge in the shape of a black turtleneck. You can find them at any Walgreens women’s bathroom. Simply remove a needle located in a small pocket on the left sleeve of the turtleneck, prick yourself, and squeeze a drop of blood into the open neck hole. Do not forget to type your name into the keyboard taped to the front of the turtleneck! That is the only way to insure that your Babby Baby will be sent to you.
By 2020, more than ninety per cent of newborns worldwide will be Babby Babies, Billy, and we will have a hundred of our very own. It will not be hard raising a hundred children. They won’t wake up at all hours of the night, and they will not have to be fed. Babies don’t need to be fed, period. They sustain themselves, Billy—that’s a fact, that’s science, that’s medicine. Ask General Mad Dog Mattis, one of the world’s greatest medical doctors.
I will never cheat on you, Billy. I am the most trustworthy woman alive today—there have been studies done. The one person I have a hall pass for is, of course, the other Billy, the Billy I was born to be with: Billy McFarland, the director of the Fyre Festival. I vow that I will cheat on you with Billy McFarland, Billy.
I will take care of your family’s hotel group, little Billy boy. The Lodge at Torrey Pines, in La Jolla, California? I will make it change the world. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but my uncle died of skin cancer. I bring this up for two reasons: one, it proves that I’m a human, because robots don’t have uncles, and, two, I take sun protection very seriously.
That is why I will be providing every guest at the Lodge at Torrey Pines with one of thousands of nanocontainers I now have sitting in storage. Within each nanocontainer I will place one drop of sunblock. Instead of applying the sunblock to the skin, the guests will eat the sunblock—it is revolutionary science and technology that I made up, and it has eradicated skin cancer. No one has died of skin cancer since I just announced the cure in my last sentence. That’s another vow.
So yes, yes, nine billion times yes, I take you, Billy Evans, to be my lawfully wedded husband. For better. For richer. In health. Until I meet Billy McFarland.