Building the Perfect Basketball Team: A Guide to Taking Down the Warriors
With the N.B.A. playoffs under way, the Golden State Warriors are the team to beat, and every coach in the league is looking to stack his roster with these key ballers:
The Big Man
Every team needs a seven-foot behemoth who will jam the rock into the nearest hole—whether that’s the opponent’s hoop, a trash can, or the gaping maw of a screaming fan.
The Locker-Room General
These humble hoopsters don’t get a lot of minutes, but they support their teammates with motivational chants like “Protect this house!” and “My son calls LeBron James ‘Dad!’ ”
The Offensive Specialist
Destroys opposing players with offensive language.
The Foul Magnet
Destroys opposing players with foul language.
Not necessarily an actual flamingo, this beautifully groomed player dazzles and enchants all who lay eyes on him. Talk about serene.
The Referee’s Son
Just as family members don’t have to testify against each other in a court of law, refs are allowed to look the other way on fouls committed by their own entitled brats.
The Hockey Player
Advantage: Gets to use a stick.
Disadvantage: Skates ruin the hardwood.
“When our value as human beings is defined by the value of our contracts, the inevitable result is that we find ourselves incarcerated inside the gilded cage of capitalism. The joy of simply playing the game has been replaced by individual achievements and stat-padding. In many ways, we do not play basketball; basketball plays us,” this player says, frequently and unprompted.
The Demolitions Expert
The Undercover Boss
Players are always shocked at the end of the game to learn that their new teammate—a shrunken septuagenarian in tasselled loafers and an Afro wig—is actually their team’s billionaire owner!
The Guy Who Used to Play for the Other Team and Knows Everything About What Foods They Like and How They Like Them Prepared
That way, the home team is able to have a nice meal ready for their guests!
This two guard can break into the city’s mainframe to control the traffic grid. Just as with college classes, when a professor’s late, if the other team doesn’t arrive ten minutes after tip-off, you can leave with the win.